Our Shadow Notes

Dear diary,  Today I'll tell you what I actually feel when I'm on my periods.  Yesterday I just had a glimpse of 2-3 drops of blood. So,I feel today Its Day 1. Morning - I woke up and sat because I was having cramps and felt I should take a leave and not go to work today.  But, I thought I can't waste my leaves just for this. I know I'll be fine.  So, I got up, did morning tasks and started getting ready.  I reached to work walking slowly as I was still having cramps.  Its 11:00am now, I suddenly felt so cold as i got goosebumps from that and the pain got strong.  I went to the washroom and saw the flow is on, after I came back I felt relieved.  Its 12:20pm now, I went to the washroom again, and now when i came back, i got that goosebumps out of heat and cold again and high on cramps.   12:30pm I am eating a guava now. Feeling a bit better.  I had my lunch and then walked for a while. Everything was fine until I sat back...

 Dear diary, I scolded her today. Not because she did something wrong, I did it because I fear she might get used by people around her unknowingly. I fear she might get in trouble unknowingly. All I’ve ever wanted was to protect her at all costs, in all the scenarios, in all situations, wherever I can. I wait for her after office almost daily so that i can see her at least a few minutes. Why do i have to do that? I don’t know. Maybe its too much. Like, why are parents are so protective of their children? She’s my life partner, my best friend, but I also sometimes treat her like my child. My baby. Maybe that’s why I’m doing all this? I’m tried to protect her from anything that might come at her way. Subconsciously I’m thinking that whatever might come, I’ll be there with her at least. I’ll take most of the “damage”, and protect her the way i can. Any way possible. Whether it’s just about a 2 km drive to home, or going to market and talking to the shopkeepers, being around strangers,...

Dear diary,  Exactly one month before was the day when I did what I shouldn't have done. But its okay I'm over it. But today, I've been trying to be grateful from the past few days, but there are somethings still on mind which I'm unable to connect with. Infact I have forgotten everything I guess.  I know you care for me a lot.  Maybe you were sleepy at that moment, that's why you didn't empower it much, when I said, its making me feel very bad since the itching has still not gone. Instead of telling/calming me that I know how you're feeling, is it still too painful/or fiery or anything. You just said, it will get fine baby, eat and complete the medicinal sessions and then tell.  Why do I even think. I hate my mind. I hate all this over thinking. 

Dear diary,  I don't know what I feel right now but I am not happy.  I think I am depressed and all this is because of the Overthinking I do. But, what if sometimes, what I'm thinking is actually true. I don't have faith in myself anymore. I feel so tired, sometimes tired of life.  I have such an amazing boyfriend but all i do to him is overthink. I don't know where this overthinling will go. He does too much for me that sometimes I feel I have lost my space. The space I had between me and myself. I don't know, I know he would never stop me from doing anything I want, but I feel I can't go to any place without him now. I can't got to meditation center just because I can't take him there, and it will take around 3-4hrs there. I miss that place sometimes. I can't go to market alone after work and always be afraid if someone will see us in the market and make assumptions.  I know I can think it the other way too, that its better to go with someone than ...

Dear diary,  I feel today that life is so inconsistent.  How somedays feels so happy and  somedays so sad and somedays so unknown. We feel everything too much and then nothing at all.  I had such a lovely date with him.  I had so much to feel.  And then I felt devasted about myself.  About everything in me.  I wasn't liking myself at all.  But he, he kept trying to convince me  That it wasn't like that.  Being an introvert, it takes a lot to talk,  And the way he talks to me,  The way he makes me believe things is so insane.  I love him too much( more than I love myself)  Because these days I don't feel i like myself. Idk why?  I wasn't convinced by anything.  Even when we kissed, I didn't feel any change in my emotions. I wasn't feeling good.  And the moment he asked me to hug him. 🫂 That rush in my blood went calm.  I won't lie, it wasn't magic and everything was fin...