23rd day of July 2025

 Dear diary,

I scolded her today. Not because she did something wrong, I did it because I fear she might get used by people around her unknowingly. I fear she might get in trouble unknowingly. All I’ve ever wanted was to protect her at all costs, in all the scenarios, in all situations, wherever I can. I wait for her after office almost daily so that i can see her at least a few minutes.

Why do i have to do that? I don’t know. Maybe its too much. Like, why are parents are so protective of their children? She’s my life partner, my best friend, but I also sometimes treat her like my child. My baby.

Maybe that’s why I’m doing all this? I’m tried to protect her from anything that might come at her way. Subconsciously I’m thinking that whatever might come, I’ll be there with her at least. I’ll take most of the “damage”, and protect her the way i can. Any way possible. Whether it’s just about a 2 km drive to home, or going to market and talking to the shopkeepers, being around strangers, random men, driving around rash drivers, going through unlit roads, bad roads etc etc etc etc etc.

It’s not like I can do much, but subconsciously i feel, that being present will at least make ‘me’ feel better. That I was there! I protected my baby.

Maybe this is what parents also feel towards their kids. Men feel towards their woman. To protect at all costs.

But i guess the cost is their sense of freedom, which i feel is i’m taking away from her.

I sometimes act as I’m giving her independence. Like, stepping back as she deals at the shop buying things, or ordering food, or something else

But I’m very wrong.

Her independence is not mine to give to her. Is hers.

I’m indirectly stealing her sense of independence.

This is the dilemma. Her sense of independence Vs my sense of protection.

What doesn’t change is, that I love her to the moon and back, and I’d do anything to make her feel protected. Protected from me as well, and that means making her really feel that she’s incharge of her life and her decisions. I’m just her supporter, her friendly guide, cheering for her, while being beside her and with her. And she can always count on me when things go wrong.

That’s what i was trying to do today as well when i scolded her on call. Just trying to guide her from making any mistakes unknowingly. Trying to say that, ‘don’t make the mistakes I made baby’. Coz I know how difficult it was to be blamed, to go through the process. To see opportunities slipping away from my hands while others got them easily. Worse was the self blame, and the anxiety faced thinking about what might happen next, assuming the worst. I’ve outgrown those feelings now , got a lot stronger, and learnt a lot from my experience. 

I know she’s very smart and a strong thinker, and she won’t make mistakes like I did. But it was my duty to guide her sternly using my experience, and inform her gently that I’ll be there whatever may come. I will be by her side, being her support as much as she needs, without pulling her from her independence. 

Yours,

S