20.07.2025

Dear diary, 

I don't know what I feel right now but I am not happy. 

I think I am depressed and all this is because of the Overthinking I do. But, what if sometimes, what I'm thinking is actually true. I don't have faith in myself anymore. I feel so tired, sometimes tired of life. 

I have such an amazing boyfriend but all i do to him is overthink. I don't know where this overthinling will go. He does too much for me that sometimes I feel I have lost my space. The space I had between me and myself. I don't know, I know he would never stop me from doing anything I want, but I feel I can't go to any place without him now. I can't got to meditation center just because I can't take him there, and it will take around 3-4hrs there. I miss that place sometimes. I can't go to market alone after work and always be afraid if someone will see us in the market and make assumptions. 

I know I can think it the other way too, that its better to go with someone than to be alone, yes, he always supports me and stays with me and I love that. But sometimes, I feel its too much. Sometimes I feel it would be better if he listens to what I say. I wish I could tell this to him. But I can't. I feel I'm afraid of him. I don't know why. There's no reason for that. 

Also, I feel I'm traumatised after what happened in Puri I guess. I don't want anything like that until I heal myself. I am still not completely healed by the traumas I had in my past and in the past years. Is it not possible to forget all that. Why just one life for all these things? 

I feel helpless sometimes. 

He makes so much efforts for me, everything & what not? He'll do anything I say. And what do I give him in return? I keep hurting him by my actions and my words. I keep on being angry on him. I feel I should stay away from him for a while. Maybe I'll feel better and reset myself for him and be a better version of me in front of him. 

I wish i could ask him to read this, 

Dear Soupy Noodles, 

I’ve been holding in a lot lately, not because I want to hide anything from you, but because I haven’t fully understood my own feelings yet. You’ve been so loving, so present, so giving—and I see it, and I appreciate it more than words can say.

But I also feel lost inside myself. I’ve been overthinking everything, to the point where I don’t feel like me anymore. I miss parts of myself—my space, my silence, the freedom to do simple things on my own like visiting the meditation center or going to the market or anywhere alone. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. It’s just that I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be with myself.

Sometimes, I feel scared. Not of you—but of how much I’ve changed, how much pressure I put on myself to not disappoint you. I feel like I’m carrying guilt I don’t even understand—maybe from past pain or things I’ve not healed from yet.

I think I need a little time. Not to run away. Not to distance myself from you—but to reconnect with myself. I want to become someone who can be present with you from a place of peace, not fear or pressure or confusion. Someone who doesn’t hurt you with anger or distance, but who can love you clearly, and calmly.

Please know this isn’t about loving you less. If anything, it’s about finding a way to love you—and myself—better.

Thank you for everything. For your patience. For just being who you are.

With love, 

Biryani Monster. 

Also, 

I’m not okay right now. I need some quiet time with myself for a few days or weeks. I love you, but I need this to feel okay again. I may not call or meet much for a while. Please don’t take it anything as otherwise. It’s just me trying to come back to myself.

Thank you for every little thing you do for me. I love you so so so so so much. ❤💎